Thinking of you, Linda

Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost
One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting
when we meet again!


Canon Henry Scott Holland

Easter without Linda, again

This digital greeting card personalized with Smilebox

“The Sisterhood”, an organization against domestic violence is on Facebook. They write a lot about it and everything is so relevant to what Linda went through with her loser of a husband. Another thing I found out is that he abused his first wife too. She was so afraid of him that she moved and didn’t tell him where she lived. She had to fight him for child support and, of course, Linda paid all his legal fees AND the child support because he wasn’t working. His family knew what a loser he was, how he abused his first wife, his drug abuse, his propensity for violence – and they never said a word. His step-father is a retired cop for God's sake, he should have done something.  The idiot's police record speaks for itself – assaults – but the police never took that into consideration when he was lying to them saying that Linda hit him. The saddest part is that his family knew what he was and had a chance to get him help. Maybe they were afraid of him, but that wasn’t a good excuse to put Linda and the kids’ lives on the line, not to mention any innocent victims who might have been in the way. It was Linda’s problem as far as they were concerned. God I wish I knew what was going on. Linda just wanted me to think everything was fine. She wanted to “fix” it herself.
This is what these losers put you through – this is what Linda went through. His family believed him and blamed Linda too, so she was up against them on top of all her other problems.
-Falsely accusing you of being the abuser (he would hit her and then run to the neighbor’s house and say Linda hit him and he’d call the police. And guess what? The police believed him!)

-Yelling and Screaming (the kids still have nightmares of him screaming at Linda).

-Unwarranted Accusations (he told the kids she was a “slut.” He told everyone else she was cheating on him (even though they were separated and the divorce papers pending). Meanwhile, he had a 16 year old girlfriend but that was ok.

-Ignoring your feelings or making fun of them (he actually told her that anyone can become an R.N., it wasn’t anything special, that even HE could do it. What a joke.)

-Isolation from your friends or family (He kept breaking the phones and stealing her cell phone).

-Stealing, destroying, selling or giving away things that are important to you. (He would come into the house and make it look like a break-in and take her mortgage money and the kids’ food money. He took their TV and stereo. He even took the kids’ Christmas gifts! His family still had them after he killed my sister on January 22nd. How do they live with themselves?
This is by no means everything – there is so much more I can write. All in due time. Linda’s life could have been saved by the only people who knew the truth, but they were too busy going to AC, having parties and dinners, and staying as far away as they could from that freak she called a son.

There is one....

Everything underneath the skyline
From the east side to the west
Of the lives I've lived and those I've known
There is one I've loved the best

-John Waite

“Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and griefs which we endure help us in our marching onward.”

Victim or Hero?

"What if the word victim could be redefined into something closer to hero, recognizing that the path some have tread will spare others from the same?"

If Linda's story will spare others from suffering her fate, maybe that was her purpose in this life. That, and all the people she helped during her career as a nurse.

"From where each goes, others learn."

New Old Dog

Well, we took the plunge again and got a dog. It wasn't easy after my Akita, Abigail died last year. I just felt it was time. We went to a rescue on Staten Island called P.L.U.T.O. (Pet Lovers United Together as One). They usually set up a mobile shelter outside of Petco and, after we got home from summer vacation, we (well, I) decided to go pay them a visit. I had been there months before by myself just to check it out and I wasn't impressed. I saw a dog that I thought would be good for the kids, no great woop. I put in an application and never heard back from them. This time, when got out of the car and walked up to the store, I saw him - THE ONE, the Big Woop. I said out loud, "There's my dog!" He is a Dachchund/Basset Hound mix. He was a little overweight, no a lot overweight (he slimmed down and is a fit fido now). He is cute as a button. The kids sat and played with him while I filled out the application and I didn't have any expectations as we left (remembering my last visit). That night, we got a call and a visit from the PLUTO people and the next day we picked up Tybo. I call him Tiberius. It feels like he's always been with us. He's my hot water bottle at night and a companion to us during the day. He sits by me where ever I am (like now) and loves taking walks. Funny dog. Very verbal too, and the best part is he's HOUSEBROKEN. It's all good.

Meeting Alice, Saying Goodbye.

I remember meeting Alice for the first time. It was a dinner at Canlon's celebrating her anniversary. I was the "new girl" and so nervous. She came in and smiled at me, sat down next to me and took my hand. I felt like I knew her forever. There was something about her that was indescribable, a "lightness of being," - something about her smile and the way she looked right into your eyes when she talked to you. I used to say that she was lucky to have a son like him but now I know that he was lucky to have a mother like her.

No comment....

I never get any comments on my posts and I'm happy about that. That means nobody is reading them, or if they are, they don't care enough to comment. I guess all these things that have happened to me in the past 9 years really don't mean much in the grand scheme of things. I've seen so many people so much worse off and I feel sad for everyone else. I've been quite lucky in spite of what it looks like. I have a great husband/partner who does whatever he can to make me comfortable and happy. For 7 years before that I had a room mate that was like Felix Unger and made sure our living conditions were nice (as long as I provided the house, credit and allowed him to do whatever he wanted in his "secret life"). When I realized that I wanted more than a room mate, I moved on and found someone wonderful although I wasn't looking. That's always the way, isn't it? I still can't face the death of Linda. I haven't been able to even think about it without feeling like I'm falling into a pit of darkness. I am trying to undo the damage done to her children but I fear the long-term effects - it's OK now but what about when they grow up and the reality of what their scumbag father did to their mother becomes part of their "life story." What a legacy the scumbag left. What's bad is that everyone knew he was a scumbag - his mother, his family, his ex-wife. Linda fell into the trap of hope - she had so much hope that her life would get better. She had so much hope that her husband would be better. She had so much hope that her family would be better. None of it got better. She was attacked from all sides and was beaten down, helpless. Even then, when I talked to her, she would say everything was ok and she had hopes that her life would get better. I can only hope that there is a justice down the road that will come for Linda's kids. I have more than hope, I know it is on it's way.

Black Gloves and Lies

Oh, Susan, you were clued in
you knew just how this thing would go
a prognosis that was hopeless
from the very first domino

I guess I see it all in hindsight
I tried to keep perspective
despitethe flash of the fuse, the smell of cordite

Now I'm in that place again
and I know he can't come in to get me
and someday he will live to regret me
Susan, I can see it now

Oh, Susan--they get to me
they can really be wearying
but he threw me rope and buoy
let me use his decoder ring

there must have been some kind of parade
we kissed for a while to see how it played
and pulled the pin on another grenade

Now I'm in that place again
and I know he can't come in to get me
and someday he will live to regret me
Susan, I can see it now

Oh, Susan, the hope of fusion
is that the halo will reappear
it may be pure illusion
but it's beautiful while it's here

I had some trouble with the goodbye
I checked my Roman candle supply
and watched the vapor trail in the sky

But I'm in that place again
and I know he can't come in to get me
and someday he will live to regret me
Susan, I can see it now

-A. Mann

It tolls for thee....

My ex-husband's mother just died - he called me from the hospital. This is a woman who made our lives miserable and played a big part in our break-up over 15 years ago. She tortured him since he was a kid and he gave up his life to take care of her. I want to feel bad for her but can only pray that she will be at peace and now he can live his life in peace.

No man is an island, Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manner of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

If you know someone living in violence...

What You Can Do in the Fight Against Domestic Violence

Sadly, family violence is a very common reality for every community.
Come to understand and recognize the cycle of violence in your own community. Click here.

Learn more about the services and supports out there for women living in violence.

Women living in violence may need someone to talk to. Isolation is a major factor in violent relationships. This is not to say that she expects you to save the day. She might just need someone to listen.

How does one bring up the subject for fear of being considered nosey, snooping, etc.? Something as simple as 'If you ever need to talk, I'm here to listen.' could do wonders for a woman unsure of where to begin.
Certainly, if you think the woman's life, or the lives of her children, are in immediate danger (shouting, things smashing, threats to kill or commit suicide), CALL 911. The potential for you to have been right is sadly great and real.

It takes a community to end violence. Learn more about the supports around you, seek them, get together with others for mutual support.
Challenge jokes about violence - violence isn't funny. Consider a case in Quebec a few years back. A man shot and killed his wife when she had tried to leave him. Looking back, her brother remembers the man joking about 10 years before that if she ever left him, he'd kill her. If we all stopped joking about violence against women, we could help end it.
Keep a close eye to the media. When you hear that 2 people have been found dead and that no third party was involved (often how the police refer to domestic homicide), ask yourself, 'What really happened?' 'What was the relationship between the two 'parties' involved?' These are critical questions that will help our society look at family violence differently.

Domestic Violence Campaign - Give Linda a voice!

Million Voices Campaign

Approximately 33 million or 15 percent of all adults in the United States have experienced domestic violence.* Domestic violence is one of the most serious issues facing Americans, yet few know how to help end it. A solution begins when families and communities start openly discussing the issue.

You can help end domestic violence in the homes of loved ones and in your community by joining the Million Voices Campaign to End Domestic Violence in America. The Million Voices Campaign is a national effort to encourage Americans nation-wide to raise their voices against domestic violence. Joining is easy and free of charge!

As a member of the campaign you can make a powerful statement to America that domestic violence is an intolerable act. We also encourage you to ask others to join the campaign, and to use your influential voice to educate on sources of help for victims and on the community impact of domestic violence.

Help us achieve the goal of ONE MILLION members by October 2008. Join the Million Voices Campaign, and give America a million reasons to end domestic violence.

Please complete the online form to enroll in the largest volunteer effort against domestic violence. If you have any questions, please contact Kelly D. Wagner at 512-685-6269 or kwagner@ndvh.org.

This will never go away

Why can't "certain people" (and you know who you are) understand that when a husband kills his wife his children face a lifetime of hurt, anger, distrust, even undeserved feelings of guilt as they grow up without those they relied upon the most. I guess few people can identify with such loss and betrayal.

There are three things going on that make this a 'triple whammy' for the kids:

No. 1, Their mom died. No. 2, She was murdered. No. 3, Their dad did it.
To the kids, it's an absolute numbing.


They are essentially orphaned, and the world they once knew ended in an instant. Police and protective services failed them and they were thrown into my arms – thank God I was there to catch them.

These kids were not a consideration for Sean when he killed Linda. He acted out of intense hatred for her. "Perpetrators are extremely narcissistic people," said a psychologist. "They don't think about the kids. He thinks - 'It's all about me. I'm all good, and you're all bad. If everybody thinks you're horrible, I win.' If he really was concerned about the kids, this is the last thing he would do.

Well Sean, you didn't win. You lost everything and went down as a murderer and rapist.

For the kids, it will take time just to comprehend what happened. They will need a long time to heal, with support from us, the community, including church and school. We will give them a normal life and stability. They need the freedom to be kids, the freedom to goof around, go to movies and amusement parks. They need the freedom not to talk about it at all. They need to know they are safe and not be afraid anymore.

These kids are the true victims; they will carry this burden for their entire lives.

Not only do I have to deal with their immediate emotional trauma, the long-term consequences are even more devastating. These kids will experience their own form of post-traumatic stress syndrome for many years.

The kids don't know what really happened. How will they cope in later years? There are going to be questions no one can answer.

It is hard to understand how a man would kill his wife and fail to recognize or care about the impact on his children. He should have thought about what he was doing to innocent children. He only thought about himself. But, he had the presence of mind to have sex in his son's bed with an underage girl while my sister bled to death in the next room. What a sick, selfish bastard. When the children find out the truth, they will ask, How could he do this? That was Mom. They're not going to be quick to forgive, if at all. Forever, they're going to be scarred. They're always going to be the kids whose father killed their mother. And, if that horror isn't bad enough, what will they think when they find out about the girl he had sex with while my sister died on the bedroom floor?

We are the surviving family that is left to pick up the pieces with no apologies from the killer's family. They have only thoughts of easing their own consciences because my sister begged them for help and they just stood by and did nothing. If she would have told me he threatened to kill her and himself, and if I knew about the fear and intimidation she faced, he would be locked up somewhere now and my sister would be alive. We could have helped her; if they didn't want to get involved they should have called us to warn us that he threatened to kill her, or the police could have warned us, or CPS could have warned us, or the hospital could have warned us. They didn't. Even if they didn't care about my sister, didn't they care about his threats to commit suicide?

I keep Linda's memory alive for the kids but they are sad whenever they think of her not being around anymore. They like to hear stories about her and I tell them about when she was little. I guess later they can decide about their father, when they find out the truth. They'll have to deal with it then, but they will have years of support and therapy behind them and hopefully they will be strong and confident. I want to show them that there are good people in the world, not just evil ones. They don't really talk or ask about their father anyway so it isn't something I have to deal with.

I have no time to hate him because that is wasted energy, energy that I need for the kids. Sometimes it seems like this is something no one else can truly grasp. It's like I live in a different reality than his family. They still haven't apologized for their son, as if he did nothing. I sometimes wonder how they live with themselves.

This will never go away. It's something we will have to learn to live with. I just wish they would understand that and just leave us alone to heal.

Murder-Suicide

My life was filled with peace and joy until January 22, 2008 when my beautiful sister, Linda, was murdered by her husband. He stabbed her 47 times and she bled to death, alone on the bedroom floor while he had sex with a 16 year-old girl in his son's bed in the next room. Husbands killing wives. It has become a national pastime and a national disgrace. Time and again, we hear the same tragic tale: a man has a woman who tries to leave him. He has a weapon, and he uses it. Children are orphaned; survivors left in despair. We have a lot of questions that have not been answered but I believe the truth will come out - it always does.