What You Can Do in the Fight Against Domestic Violence
Sadly, family violence is a very common reality for every community.
Come to understand and recognize the cycle of violence in your own community. Click here.
Learn more about the services and supports out there for women living in violence.
Women living in violence may need someone to talk to. Isolation is a major factor in violent relationships. This is not to say that she expects you to save the day. She might just need someone to listen.
How does one bring up the subject for fear of being considered nosey, snooping, etc.? Something as simple as 'If you ever need to talk, I'm here to listen.' could do wonders for a woman unsure of where to begin.
Certainly, if you think the woman's life, or the lives of her children, are in immediate danger (shouting, things smashing, threats to kill or commit suicide), CALL 911. The potential for you to have been right is sadly great and real.
It takes a community to end violence. Learn more about the supports around you, seek them, get together with others for mutual support.
Challenge jokes about violence - violence isn't funny. Consider a case in Quebec a few years back. A man shot and killed his wife when she had tried to leave him. Looking back, her brother remembers the man joking about 10 years before that if she ever left him, he'd kill her. If we all stopped joking about violence against women, we could help end it.
Keep a close eye to the media. When you hear that 2 people have been found dead and that no third party was involved (often how the police refer to domestic homicide), ask yourself, 'What really happened?' 'What was the relationship between the two 'parties' involved?' These are critical questions that will help our society look at family violence differently.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Domestic Violence Campaign - Give Linda a voice!
Million Voices Campaign
Approximately 33 million or 15 percent of all adults in the United States have experienced domestic violence.* Domestic violence is one of the most serious issues facing Americans, yet few know how to help end it. A solution begins when families and communities start openly discussing the issue.
You can help end domestic violence in the homes of loved ones and in your community by joining the Million Voices Campaign to End Domestic Violence in America. The Million Voices Campaign is a national effort to encourage Americans nation-wide to raise their voices against domestic violence. Joining is easy and free of charge!
As a member of the campaign you can make a powerful statement to America that domestic violence is an intolerable act. We also encourage you to ask others to join the campaign, and to use your influential voice to educate on sources of help for victims and on the community impact of domestic violence.
Help us achieve the goal of ONE MILLION members by October 2008. Join the Million Voices Campaign, and give America a million reasons to end domestic violence.
Please complete the online form to enroll in the largest volunteer effort against domestic violence. If you have any questions, please contact Kelly D. Wagner at 512-685-6269 or kwagner@ndvh.org.
Approximately 33 million or 15 percent of all adults in the United States have experienced domestic violence.* Domestic violence is one of the most serious issues facing Americans, yet few know how to help end it. A solution begins when families and communities start openly discussing the issue.
You can help end domestic violence in the homes of loved ones and in your community by joining the Million Voices Campaign to End Domestic Violence in America. The Million Voices Campaign is a national effort to encourage Americans nation-wide to raise their voices against domestic violence. Joining is easy and free of charge!
As a member of the campaign you can make a powerful statement to America that domestic violence is an intolerable act. We also encourage you to ask others to join the campaign, and to use your influential voice to educate on sources of help for victims and on the community impact of domestic violence.
Help us achieve the goal of ONE MILLION members by October 2008. Join the Million Voices Campaign, and give America a million reasons to end domestic violence.
Please complete the online form to enroll in the largest volunteer effort against domestic violence. If you have any questions, please contact Kelly D. Wagner at 512-685-6269 or kwagner@ndvh.org.
This will never go away
Why can't "certain people" (and you know who you are) understand that when a husband kills his wife his children face a lifetime of hurt, anger, distrust, even undeserved feelings of guilt as they grow up without those they relied upon the most. I guess few people can identify with such loss and betrayal.
There are three things going on that make this a 'triple whammy' for the kids:
No. 1, Their mom died. No. 2, She was murdered. No. 3, Their dad did it.
To the kids, it's an absolute numbing.
They are essentially orphaned, and the world they once knew ended in an instant. Police and protective services failed them and they were thrown into my arms – thank God I was there to catch them.
These kids were not a consideration for Sean when he killed Linda. He acted out of intense hatred for her. "Perpetrators are extremely narcissistic people," said a psychologist. "They don't think about the kids. He thinks - 'It's all about me. I'm all good, and you're all bad. If everybody thinks you're horrible, I win.' If he really was concerned about the kids, this is the last thing he would do.
Well Sean, you didn't win. You lost everything and went down as a murderer and rapist.
For the kids, it will take time just to comprehend what happened. They will need a long time to heal, with support from us, the community, including church and school. We will give them a normal life and stability. They need the freedom to be kids, the freedom to goof around, go to movies and amusement parks. They need the freedom not to talk about it at all. They need to know they are safe and not be afraid anymore.
These kids are the true victims; they will carry this burden for their entire lives.
Not only do I have to deal with their immediate emotional trauma, the long-term consequences are even more devastating. These kids will experience their own form of post-traumatic stress syndrome for many years.
The kids don't know what really happened. How will they cope in later years? There are going to be questions no one can answer.
It is hard to understand how a man would kill his wife and fail to recognize or care about the impact on his children. He should have thought about what he was doing to innocent children. He only thought about himself. But, he had the presence of mind to have sex in his son's bed with an underage girl while my sister bled to death in the next room. What a sick, selfish bastard. When the children find out the truth, they will ask, How could he do this? That was Mom. They're not going to be quick to forgive, if at all. Forever, they're going to be scarred. They're always going to be the kids whose father killed their mother. And, if that horror isn't bad enough, what will they think when they find out about the girl he had sex with while my sister died on the bedroom floor?
We are the surviving family that is left to pick up the pieces with no apologies from the killer's family. They have only thoughts of easing their own consciences because my sister begged them for help and they just stood by and did nothing. If she would have told me he threatened to kill her and himself, and if I knew about the fear and intimidation she faced, he would be locked up somewhere now and my sister would be alive. We could have helped her; if they didn't want to get involved they should have called us to warn us that he threatened to kill her, or the police could have warned us, or CPS could have warned us, or the hospital could have warned us. They didn't. Even if they didn't care about my sister, didn't they care about his threats to commit suicide?
I keep Linda's memory alive for the kids but they are sad whenever they think of her not being around anymore. They like to hear stories about her and I tell them about when she was little. I guess later they can decide about their father, when they find out the truth. They'll have to deal with it then, but they will have years of support and therapy behind them and hopefully they will be strong and confident. I want to show them that there are good people in the world, not just evil ones. They don't really talk or ask about their father anyway so it isn't something I have to deal with.
I have no time to hate him because that is wasted energy, energy that I need for the kids. Sometimes it seems like this is something no one else can truly grasp. It's like I live in a different reality than his family. They still haven't apologized for their son, as if he did nothing. I sometimes wonder how they live with themselves.
This will never go away. It's something we will have to learn to live with. I just wish they would understand that and just leave us alone to heal.
There are three things going on that make this a 'triple whammy' for the kids:
No. 1, Their mom died. No. 2, She was murdered. No. 3, Their dad did it.
To the kids, it's an absolute numbing.
They are essentially orphaned, and the world they once knew ended in an instant. Police and protective services failed them and they were thrown into my arms – thank God I was there to catch them.
These kids were not a consideration for Sean when he killed Linda. He acted out of intense hatred for her. "Perpetrators are extremely narcissistic people," said a psychologist. "They don't think about the kids. He thinks - 'It's all about me. I'm all good, and you're all bad. If everybody thinks you're horrible, I win.' If he really was concerned about the kids, this is the last thing he would do.
Well Sean, you didn't win. You lost everything and went down as a murderer and rapist.
For the kids, it will take time just to comprehend what happened. They will need a long time to heal, with support from us, the community, including church and school. We will give them a normal life and stability. They need the freedom to be kids, the freedom to goof around, go to movies and amusement parks. They need the freedom not to talk about it at all. They need to know they are safe and not be afraid anymore.
These kids are the true victims; they will carry this burden for their entire lives.
Not only do I have to deal with their immediate emotional trauma, the long-term consequences are even more devastating. These kids will experience their own form of post-traumatic stress syndrome for many years.
The kids don't know what really happened. How will they cope in later years? There are going to be questions no one can answer.
It is hard to understand how a man would kill his wife and fail to recognize or care about the impact on his children. He should have thought about what he was doing to innocent children. He only thought about himself. But, he had the presence of mind to have sex in his son's bed with an underage girl while my sister bled to death in the next room. What a sick, selfish bastard. When the children find out the truth, they will ask, How could he do this? That was Mom. They're not going to be quick to forgive, if at all. Forever, they're going to be scarred. They're always going to be the kids whose father killed their mother. And, if that horror isn't bad enough, what will they think when they find out about the girl he had sex with while my sister died on the bedroom floor?
We are the surviving family that is left to pick up the pieces with no apologies from the killer's family. They have only thoughts of easing their own consciences because my sister begged them for help and they just stood by and did nothing. If she would have told me he threatened to kill her and himself, and if I knew about the fear and intimidation she faced, he would be locked up somewhere now and my sister would be alive. We could have helped her; if they didn't want to get involved they should have called us to warn us that he threatened to kill her, or the police could have warned us, or CPS could have warned us, or the hospital could have warned us. They didn't. Even if they didn't care about my sister, didn't they care about his threats to commit suicide?
I keep Linda's memory alive for the kids but they are sad whenever they think of her not being around anymore. They like to hear stories about her and I tell them about when she was little. I guess later they can decide about their father, when they find out the truth. They'll have to deal with it then, but they will have years of support and therapy behind them and hopefully they will be strong and confident. I want to show them that there are good people in the world, not just evil ones. They don't really talk or ask about their father anyway so it isn't something I have to deal with.
I have no time to hate him because that is wasted energy, energy that I need for the kids. Sometimes it seems like this is something no one else can truly grasp. It's like I live in a different reality than his family. They still haven't apologized for their son, as if he did nothing. I sometimes wonder how they live with themselves.
This will never go away. It's something we will have to learn to live with. I just wish they would understand that and just leave us alone to heal.
Murder-Suicide
My life was filled with peace and joy until January 22, 2008 when my beautiful sister, Linda, was murdered by her husband. He stabbed her 47 times and she bled to death, alone on the bedroom floor while he had sex with a 16 year-old girl in his son's bed in the next room. Husbands killing wives. It has become a national pastime and a national disgrace. Time and again, we hear the same tragic tale: a man has a woman who tries to leave him. He has a weapon, and he uses it. Children are orphaned; survivors left in despair. We have a lot of questions that have not been answered but I believe the truth will come out - it always does.
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